My Faith

I think I've mentioned before that my faith in God is a very new thing.  I have never known my parents to attend church.  My dad likes to tell a story about the few months of time they attempted to take me when I was around 3 or 4 years old.  They would drop me off at the bible study classroom and when they would pick me up my dad  would ask, "what did you learn today?".  Apparently I always replied in a very bored tone, "Just more Jesus stuff".  They quickly stopped making me go, since I obviously had no interest in it.

I love my parents with all my heart and they did an absolutely fantastic job raising me.  But this is the one area where I feel that they failed me, at least a little.  I was raised by all accounts to be a christian, we just never mentioned the name God.  I remember asking my dad about it when I was a teenager and he told me that he grew up attending a strict church and hated the hypocrisy of the people he saw there every Sunday.  When he went to college he stopped attending church, and although he tried out a few from time to time, he said he continued to see the same hypocrisy.  I can't blame him for not wanting to attend a church like that, I wouldn't either.

When I met Andy this was the one sticky point between us.  He had been raised attending a wonderful Baptist church and held a very strong belief.  I remember him crying to me one day that he was terrified that we would be separated, him going to heaven and me going to hell for my lack of faith.  I remember being so offended and hurt.  He knew that I was a good person, why in the world did he think I would go to hell?  I didn't understand at the time, I wasn't ready to understand.

A year and a half ago Andy convinced me to attend a Christmas Eve service at a Baptist church in town.  Honestly, there wasn't much convincing needed.  I think he mentioned wanting to attend one, so I researched until I found a church that sounded like a good fit.  Sitting in the pews at that service I remember getting goosebumps on my arms and tears stinging my eyes.  I felt His presence.  I didn't really know what that meant at the time and Andy and I allowed excuses to keep us from going back for a little over a year.  When Christmas 2010 rolled around I was disappointed that Andy didn't want to attend the Christmas Eve service.  We had had a bunch of family over that day and would have had to rush to make it on time, but I still wanted to go.  I wanted that feeling back that I had had the previous year.  We compromised and agreed to go on Sunday. 

I don't think it's any coincidence that 12/26/10, five days before we found out we were pregnant, was the day we really began going to church together.  I remember feeling like an outsider.  I didn't want to sing the words to the songs, because I wasn't sure I believed them.  But listening to them I again got goosebumps and had to struggle not to cry.  I felt peaceful during the service and I thoroughly enjoyed learning more about God.  I wasn't sure how I really felt, or what I believed, but I knew I wanted to continue to go to church to find out. 

The following Sunday I sat through the service with my hand resting on my stomach and a secret smile inside my heart.  We were going to be parents.  Suddenly the words of the service took on an entirely new meaning, and I was ready to hear them.  A few days later when I began to miscarry our precious baby, Andy asked me if I wanted to pray.  I had never done it before, I didn't know how.  So he wrapped me in his arms and prayed out loud for me.  I cried but I felt a sense of calm and peace.  I suddenly felt that God was there listening to us.  I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that even if he wouldn't answer these particular prayers he was still listening.

Andy and I have continued to pray together this way every night since them.  I now pray on my own too.  Mostly I go outside to our tree that we planted for our baby and whisper my prayer to God.  But I find myself doing it at other times too.  When I was in Oregon, dealing with my Grandpa's rapid decline and then death I prayed a lot.  I felt that God was listening and found a great deal of comfort.  Even the plane ride to and from Oregon was tremendously different.  I am terrified of flying, I hate the bumps.  But this time I just closed my eyes and prayed to God.  I told him that I knew my life was his and that I trusted him.  I then felt a tremendous peace and wasn't afraid any more.

My faith has grown so much this year.  Once I believed in God, I got mad at him for taking away our baby.  But I've found peace with that as well.  I'm not happy that I never got to hold my baby, but I find comfort knowing that they are in heaven and I will meet them one day.  I know that God has perfect timing and a perfect plan for Andy and myself.  For our family.  I know that when his time is right we will have our healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.  It's still a struggle not to want more than God can give me right now.  But ultimately I have faith.  I know with all my heart that even if God does not answer my prayer, He is still listening.  To rip off a really good song, sometimes the best things in life come from unanswered prayers.  I don't know what the future holds, but I have faith that there is a reason certain prayers have not been answered yet.  Greater things are yet to come and greater things are yet to be done.

At the end of every service there is a call for people to come forward to profess their faith and to be baptized if they haven't been before.  Andy had lightly encouraged me for awhile, saying that when I was ready he would go forward with me.  A few weeks ago I suddenly felt that God was telling me "Now".  So I grabbed Andy's hand and we walked forward together.  After the service people came to shake our hands and I started to cry.  Again with the inappropriate reactions!  But I was just so incredibly happy and thankful to have found God and to have found a home at a wonderful church filled with amazing people.  So tomorrow I will be baptized!  I am so incredibly excited and thankful.  I know that tomorrow starts a new journey and a new life for me and for Andy.