Thursday, June 9, 2011

Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy is rearing it's ugly head within me!  I'm ashamed of myself for it, but I can't seem to stop.  I fully believe that God has perfect timing and we will get our take home baby at some point, somehow.  But that doesn't prevent me from being soooooo jealous of all the women who are currently pregnant!

I know of four women in real life who are currently pregnant.  A coworker is due one month before our EDD, my ex boyfriend's 42 year old girlfriend (now wife) is due three weeks before our EDD, my best friend's sister is due two weeks before our EDD, and my husband's cousin is due two weeks after our EDD.  I don't know all of their stories, which I remind myself of on a daily basis.  They might have had previous losses as well.  I know my husband's cousin has had two miscarriages.  But I'm still incredibly jealous.

On the website I mentioned previously I am "buddies" with three women.  We have a really cute badge and everything.  This week two of them have announced that they're pregnant.  I am beyond thrilled for them, since I know how difficult this journey has been for them.  But I'm sad for me.  My third buddy is currently trying to avoid.  Yep, so I'm the only one trying and failing in our group!

I sometimes hate the person my loss has made me.  I'm bitter, jealous, and sad.  Those are not qualities I want to associate with myself.  But how do I go about fixing it?  Venting seems like a good start.  I tend to bottle up these icky emotions that I'm not proud of, then at some point they overflow.  I think the major overflow is worse in the long run, compared to occasionally admitting my feelings. So for tonight I'm embracing my green eyed monster, because tomorrow I'm putting it back in it's box!

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