Saturday, July 30, 2011

Waiting Is Never Fun

I did CD3 bloodwork on Wednesday and Andy did his SA on Thursday.  Now we're just waiting for the results!  I really hate waiting.  I can deal with whatever the results are, good or bad, but the unknown drives me absolutely batty.  I'm hoping we'll hear back on Monday.

Andy and I took our Dad's to see Cowboys and Aliens today.  It was nothing spectacular, but fun.  At the very beginning of the film it shows a very dry environment.  My dad turned to me and said, "That looks like my backyard right now!" as he did his dorky dad laugh.  At the same time I hear my father in law turn to Andy and say, "That looks like my town right now!" with his dorky dad laugh.  It totally cracked me up that both our dad's told the same cheesy dad joke!  I really can't wait until Andy gets to start telling them to our kids.  I know he's already practicing!

I'm CD6 today, so rapidly approaching the "try" time in a little less than a week.  A few weeks ago a girl posted on TTCAL that she was giving away several boxes of my favorite digital OPKs to whoever was willing to pay shipping.  Look at my haul!
80 digital OPKs for just $15 shipping!

So I think my wondfo's might be relegated to the back of the bathroom closet for a few months!  I really feel a peaceful pessimism this month.  I have some hope because I know God's timing is perfect and anything is truly possible.  But I'm not nearly as hopeful as I have been.  It's actually a peaceful feeling for me, I no longer feel the pressure to be pregnant by our 9/10/11 EDD.  I thought I would be devastated since it was a silly deadline I gave myself during our loss, but I'm finding that it's okay.  I just really hope we get our results soon!

Monday, July 25, 2011

We have a plan!

After all my anxiety the appointment was actually amazing!  I absolutely love my new OB.  She took 30 minutes at the beginning of the appointment to sit with me, talk about everything, review my charts, and discuss a plan.  Since I've had two pap smears within the past few months (thanks to my last OB losing the first specimen, grr), I didn't have to have another one.  She just did a quick physical and pelvic exam.

So our plan is this:  Since today is CD1 I will be going in for CD3 bloodwork on wednesday.  That blood work will include testing of my Rh factor to see if that's an issue.  Andy will be submitting his SA sample sometime this week too.  I'll be doing 7DPO bloodwork sometime mid August.  If anything comes back abnormal, we'll design a plan around that.  If everything is normal but we're not KU I will be going in for an ultrasound and an HSG at the beginning of next cycle (around CD 7).  If all of that is normal we'll have the fun diagnosis of unexplained infertility and she will recommend Clomid, probably with IUI.

I'm a little terrified at the idea we might jump to IUI so quickly.  She stated that for those with unexplained infertility she feels that IUI is the best chance to conceive quickly.  She was open to the idea of a cycle or two of monitored clomid first.  I think right now I'm going to wait to see what all of our testing reveals before I think about this too much.

My new OB strongly recommended acupuncture, so since I was off of work early I decided to call for an appointment.  Several months ago, probably in February, I bought a Groupon deal for two acupuncture sessions at a local clinic.  I went to one right away, but wasn't a fan so I've had the second appointment to use up for quite awhile.  The guy told me that if I could show up by 3pm today he could fit me in.  So I had 19 needles stuck in me today, and I liked it!  The acupuncturist specifically chose spots related to fertility, and I was able to actually relax and take a small nap this time.  I have another appointment scheduled with him on August 16th.

At the end of the appointment he asked me to stick out my tongue.  He immediately went, "Ohh, your tongue definitely shows significant problems!"  I seriously struggled to keep a straight face as he explained that my tongue indicates my body has a problem managing hot and cold.  According to him my body will overheat or freeze because I don't regulate temperature well.  Umm, okay.  He tried to convince me to take some herbs, but I told him since I'm having testing done I don't want to take anything different.  Maybe it's totally legitimate, but I have a hard time believing anyone can diagnose me based on the appearance of my tongue. 

So all in all this is probably the happiest I've been on CD1 since before we started TTC.  I wish I had gotten a BFP this last cycle, but I'm happy to at least have a plan and hopefully some answers soon!  Thank you to everyone who commented on my last entry.  Reading your comments really brightened the past few days for me!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Don't Worry, Be Happy

I've heard the saying that 90% of the things we worry about never even happen.  But I think it's human nature to worry, no matter what the probable outcome will be.  I am most definitely not exempt from that!

Today I called my new OB's office in hopes of moving my appointment to a closer date.  My appointment will now be on Monday, the day I expect my period to arrive (barring a surprise BFP).  I thought I would feel relief at getting this ball rolling a little sooner.  After all, my original appointment would have been at least halfway through my next cycle.  But instead I felt sad.  How did we get here?  How has it been almost 12 complete cycles of trying, 7 since our loss?  Not just regular cycles, but perfectly timed cycles.

My mom and dad had a hell of a time conceiving me.  I was their only pregnancy in at least 14 years of trying.  I was conceived after 9 years of trying and I know they continued to try to give me a sibling for many years after my birth.  My mom had stage IV endometriosis and required a lot of fertility treatments to conceive me.  My parents had actually given up on ever having a biological child and were pursuing domestic adoption when they found out they were pregnant with me.  Growing up I never once doubted their love for me because I was told from an early age how much I was wanted.  I'm thankful that my children will grow up knowing how desperately Andy and I wanted them.  But I'm scared about how long it's going to take to reach that stage.  A year ago, as I was going off birth control pills, I never once imagined that I wouldn't at least be significantly pregnant by this date. 

What if the testing shows that something is wrong with me or Andy?  How do we move on?  How far do we plan to go in treatment options?  How will we pay for the treatment?  What if testing doesn't show anything wrong at all, what then?  I have so many fears and worries going through my head right now.  I'm scared to get answers, but I'm terrified not to.  I know that our road has not been nearly as long or as difficult as many of my TTCAL and blog friends.  But I'm nervous about our future.  Deep down I really feel that Andy and I will be parents one day.  But I'm not sure how or when. 

I am a control freak and a huge planner, they are definitely two of my biggest faults.  So I'm struggling to let go of my worries and put it all in God's hands.  It's pretty obvious that I cannot control or plan our TTC journey.  Writing all of this out is definitely therapeutic for me as well.  I hope in a few years all of us going through problems right now can look back at the words we've written recently and smile.  I have a feeling our future selves would tell our current selves that it is going to be okay.  It's all going to work out.  It might be in a totally different way than what we're thinking or imagining right now, but it will work out. 

A special hi and thank you to any visitors from ICLW!  I appreciate any and all comments, and I look forward to meeting new blog friends!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Rain Is a Good Thing

My daddy spent his life lookin' up at the sky
He'd cuss, kick the dust, sayin' son it's way too dry
It clouds up in the city, the weather man complains
But where I come from, rain is a good thing.
~ Rain is a Good Thing, Luke Bryan

I live in Texas, so when I tell you that rain is a good thing...believe it!  Our yard is so dry that the grass is baked and the ground is cracking.  Today it finally looks like it might rain a little.  I will be so incredibly thankful for any drop of water we get from the sky!

Now it seems that I might be ripping off Maria at Every Day Is A Country Song again, but I just can't seem to help it!  Luke Bryan is one of my favorites and this song is special to me.  I'm ashamed to admit that until about a year ago I disliked country music.  One day Andy convinced me to listen to our local country channel because he said it was less processed music.  Skeptical, I gave it a shot.  This song came on and I was instantly in love with it!  I slowly began to listen to the country station more and more.  Now I'm a country girl!  Luke Bryan and Joe Nichols are probably my top two artists at this point, but I enjoy them all! 

Today has been a good day.  It's honestly the first day in a really long time where I can say, "today is a great day!".  I got the news at work that I'm going to be helping out a different unit, which just so happens to be run by one of my favorite people.  I've really wanted to work for him for awhile and he's told me he was working on it.  Now I get to!  It's temporary for now but will likely officially go permanent in a few months.  I'll have a lot more work to do, which I'm excited about.  For the past few months I've been bored out of my mind, usually spending about 7 out of the 8 hours surfing TTCAL on the iphone.  It's made me lazy.  I'm looking forward to actually doing work that I enjoy again.

Andy and I also found out that we're owed a very decent chunk of change.  He quit his job with the state in December to pursue his dream of becoming a freelance copywriter.  We forgot all about his retirement fund with the state!  He called about it today and we found out it will be more than enough to pay for the new flooring we've been talking about getting.  Score!

Zoe is happy today, which makes me happy as well.  I always call the time when I lay on the couch, watch TV, and snuggle with her couch time.  Today we got our brand new magic couch time machine!  AKA cable and DVR.  Andy and I haven't had cable in over two years, but since we're switching internet providers it ended up being cheaper to get cable for a short time too.  I'm not complaining!  This definitely means more couch time in our future.

Rain, good job news, great money news, and a happy Zoe...What more could I ask for?  Oh yeah, how about a BFP and a healthy pregnancy resulting in a healthy take home baby?  That one has not been granted yet, unfortunately.  I'm 7DPO today and have absolutely no mind fetus whatsoever.  Maybe that's actually a good sign?  I'm not holding out much hope, but the siren call of my wondfo HPTs are getting to me.  I'll probably start testing in a few days.  Somehow seeing repetitive BFNs doesn't bother me as much as the wondering.

I hope this good news, happy day streak will continue for the rest of the week for us and for everyone we know!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Bad Blogger

I haven't been very good about keeping up with my blog lately.  I start to open a new post, write a word or two, then realize it's something I've already said before.  I have found that trying to conceive after a loss creates a lot of the same feelings cycle after failed cycle.  The part that really sucks is that I know conceiving is only a very small portion of our battle to get our take home baby.

On Wednesday I had a full out ugly meltdown in front of Andy.  I absolutely hate that we have to have sex on certain days.  How in the world is that fun or sexy?  I've been trying to keep it exciting, but sometimes it's really difficult.  I'm not in the mood, he's not in the mood, but we need to do it.  I would never forgive myself if we didn't get pregnant that cycle, I would feel like it was because I didn't try hard enough.  My meltdown consisted of me sobbing "it's not fair" repeatedly.  Andy was so sweet and comforting, and he let me see a glimpse of his pain.  Because you know what?  He's in pain too, this process sucks for him too.  It was a wake up call for me.  I always think about my pain from our loss, rarely his.  How selfish is that?  I'm appreciative for the reminder that Andy and I are in this together.  Although I may be more open about my pain, it doesn't mean he's not hurting too.

Thankfully I'm now in the two week wait portion of my cycle.  Andy did tell me that he has a good feeling about this cycle.  My first thought was "at least one of us does".  Maybe it's a coping mechanism but I have very little hope for this cycle.  Sure, we had perfect timing.  But after six cycles of perfect timing, I'm not going to get super excited and hopeful.  I'm not sure I could handle the letdown again.  So I'm putting all my faith in God, as I should.  We will get pregnant and have a healthy child in his time.  So I pray that if it his time we get pregnant and I find peace with whatever the outcome.  If it's not his time I pray for patience and the strength I need to pursue testing with my OBGYN.

Andy and I started the couch to 5K program this week.  I was motivated by several of my TTCAL friends who decided to start it this week too.  I'm the type of person who enjoys being physically active, but if I'm not accountable to someone 9 times out of 10 I'll choose to stay home watching TV.  I'm a bit of a couch potato.  Thank goodness I have good genes and don't require too much activity to keep my figure relatively slim.  But since our loss I've gotten extra lazy and I think I've been afraid to really work out.  When we told my mother in law and her husband about our loss, her husband said maybe it happened because I'm too skinny.  I don't know why, but that has really lingered in my head and bothered me.  I know that's not why.  But it's still there, at the back of my mind.  But this cycle I decided to join my friends in this program.  It starts out very slow (although the first day kicked my butt!) and after nine weeks of three workouts per week you should be able to run a 5K without stopping.  

I am proud to say that Andy and I completed week one!  Today marks workout number one of week two.  I'm very excited and happy to be doing it.  I feel so much better mentally and physically.  I really enjoy running through the streets of our neighborhood with my husband.  I put on some music and am able to forget all my worries for the 30 minutes we're out there.  I've also been sleeping a little better, which is a huge plus!  The only rough thing is that in Texas it's HOT.  At 9pm, when we usually go running, it's still a little over 90 degrees most days.  But at least the sun isn't beating down on us.

I could go on and on with the other boring things going on in our life right now, but instead I will just leave you with a picture.  We took Zoe and Pixel for a walk the other evening.  When we got back Zoe ran straight to the tile floor in an attempt to cool off...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Wonderful Weekend

Another wonderful weekend is coming to a close.  I'm not enjoying my job at the moment so it's tough to look at another five days of work coming up and be happy.  But I know that the five days will pass and then I'll have another weekend to enjoy!  Work isn't all bad either.  I'm lucky to work in the same building as some of my best friends, who I'll get to see on breaks and maybe even for lunch.

On Thursday I was lucky enough to get to meet up with my TTCAL friend I met in May.  It was so much fun!  I love that girl.  I know that she's struggling and it breaks my heart, but I'm thankful that I can be there for her and vice versa.  We sat at a local restaurant and talked, cried, and laughed for over four hours.  I don't think our waitress liked us very much, but oh well. 

Friday night Andy took me to see Horrible Bosses.  Now, I have to admit something...I think Andy and I are addicted to seeing movies in the theater, while eating popcorn and drinking a coke icee.  So far this year we've seen probably at least a dozen movies.  Since I've been back from Oregon (a little less than two months) we have seen Bridesmaids, Thor, Pirates of the Caribbean, Super 8 (twice), X-Men, Transformers, Horrible Bosses, and Monte Carlo (saw it with my mom, not Andy).  Yeah, I think we're definitely movieholics.  In the next few weeks I'm sure we'll see Harry Potter, Captain America, Cowboys & Aliens, and Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
Anyways, Horrible Bosses was hilarious, raunchy, and offensive.  They definitely pushed a lot of boundaries.  Andy enjoyed it more than I did, I definitely think it's more of a guy film.  But I enjoyed it over all.  

Last night Andy and I hosted a poker night at our house.  Four friends and Andy's dad showed up.  Six of us played.  I won!  I have some serious poker skills!  Okay, not really.  I just had a lucky night.  So I won $15.  I put in $5 to play and so did Andy, so in reality I won $5.  But I'm not complaining!  It was a fun night.

Today I took my mom to Cafe Monet, a paint your own pottery place.  My mom is finally starting to feel better since her back surgery.  She felt up for seeing a moving on Monday and painting today.  It makes me really happy that she is doing so well!  
I painted a piggy bank.

My mom painted a frog jewelry box.  This is the lid.  She's talented!
 Our works of art won't be completed until Friday so I'll try to remember to post the finished products then.

That pretty much sums up our fun weekend.  TTC is going well, I guess.  I gave up on the pomegranate juice since AF was even lighter than usual.  I don't think it helped anything so it's not worth the taste for me.  But preseed is two big thumbs up!  I have an appointment for a new OB in mid August, so I'm just trying to relax until then.  We haven't had success on our six perfectly timed cycles since our loss, so I'm not holding my breath that we're going to be able to do this on our own.  But that's okay.  It has to be okay.

Thank you for all your wonderfully sweet comments!  I really appreciate them!  I don't know what I would do without the friends I have made on this journey. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Strays Welcome?

Good morning my friends!  It's 5am in Texas and I'm awake.  I don't know that I see this time of morning very often.  My alarm for work goes off at 6am, but usually I hit snooze until at least 6:20 or 6:30.  I'm that girl, a chronic snoozer.

So why am I up so early on this Wednesday morning?  I blame Andy.  Last night he convinced me to take a walk through our neighborhood.  I've been complaining about getting a little chubby around the middle, so he was a fantastic motivator to get me up and moving.  Except that less than halfway through our walk we found a stray dog.  Those that know us in real life know that we are a magnet for strays.  It's like we have a giant red X on our forehead, or the words "Strays Welcome Here".  It's well known that if I see an animal loose I automatically feel responsible for them.  In October we had a kitten follow us home while we were walking our dogs.  How does that happen?! 

Please forgive the grainy iphone photo.  This is the handsome, unneutered boy that followed us home.  Our dogs aren't the most friendly with new dogs, so we decided to keep him in the backyard over night until we can take him to the shelter.  He's skinny and unneutered so I doubt he has a home, our neighborhood is abandonment alley unfortunately.  Turns out the Bubba is a howler!  I'm sure our neighbors love us right now.  As for us, I don't think we even got four hours of sleep.  As Bubba was howling his little heart out I just started to laugh.  I know Andy got annoyed with me, but it was totally one of those laugh or cry situations.  Today I choose laughter.  But I do have to wonder why doing the right thing is usually so painful?  It's definitely going to be a fun day at work!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I'm Queen of the Universe!

My blog friend Maria at Every Day Is a Country Song gave me the Overlord Award!  It essentially entitles me to create three new universal rules.  They take effect immediately, no matter how unrealistic or silly they sound.  It's happening, my friends!

1.  Have you ever heard the song "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" by Justin Moore?  I heard it for the first time right before I left for Oregon to visit my Grandpa for the last time.  When my Grandpa passed away it was the song that instantly came to my mind and it continues to make me tear up a little every time I hear it.  So I now decree that Heaven is NOT so far away.  Every person has one day pass to Heaven per year which they can use if they choose to.  You are only allowed to see people who you were close to, no meeting Elvis!  We won't get to see Heaven as it really is and our loved ones won't be able to tell us anything about it.  But we can spend the day with them, hug them, and hold them.  When we leave we know that in a year we can see them again.

2.  There is now a pill that cures certain diseases.  Cancer, dementia, Alzheimer's, immune diseases etc are all now a thing of the past!  If you are diagnosed with one of these diseases you simply have to take a pill once every five years in order to not suffer any of their ill effects.  The pill is super cheap to make and totally accessible all over the world to all income brackets.  I totally realize that this opens up a lot of population issues, but this is my rule and in my world it doesn't matter!

3.  We are now able to see one glimpse six months into our future once a year, if we choose.  We can magically push our fast forward button to get a one minute silent image of our future.  This glimpse will be based on the current choices we are making.  Are we happy?  Do we like the job we just took?  Are we pregnant?  Do we have a child?  Do I need to quit eating Taco Bell because I'm going to gain 30 pounds?  All these questions can be answered by a simple push of our button!

Now I get to grant these magic powers to seven of my other blog friends!  I hereby bestow the power on you...

1. KJsbabe at Let It Be
2. Buckeyebaby at Faith, Hope & Love
3. LaraG at Motivation Is Overrated
4. Lindsey at Some Sorta Fairytale

Okay, now I feel lame!  I don't think I have seven blogger friends who haven't done this already!  If you haven't done this yet let me know and I'll add you to the list.  Thank you Maria for passing it on to me!  It was lots of fun.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Hodge Podge

Happy 4th of July Weekend!  I'm so thankful to have a three day weekend!  Andy and I were supposed to go to his family reunion this weekend, but I got sick.  Andy left at 4:30am this morning to go golfing with the guys, then he's going to come home to take care of me.  I feel bad that we're not going to be spending the weekend with everyone, but I would be a liar if I said I wasn't enjoying my time at home so far!

Since I don't feel up to doing too much I decided that a hodge podge picture post would be a great idea!  Here is an excerpt from our week...

I got my hair cut! I've had the same stacked style since right after Andy and I got married in 2007. I love it! It looks really good as it grows out, until it suddenly doesn't. When it hits my shoulders my hair decides to start doing it's own thing. No matter how much I try to style it, it stops behaving. So it was definitely time for a summer cut! The salon I go to is a funky place. The guy who cuts my hair loves that I have a streak of gray hair, kind of like Rogue from X-men. Every time he cuts my hair he makes me promise him that if I ever dye my hair I will leave my streak alone!
Taking a picture of yourself in a mirror is tough!
My gray streak.
I never like it when it's first cut.  I'll like it in about a week when it grows out a little!

I also worked in the yard.

My roses were a bit out of control!

Andy met with a new client this week.  He looked hot dressed up!

I drank my mandatory morning hot chocolate every day this week.  Yumm.
Gotta have the whip cream on top!

I took an idea I found on Kerstin's Blog, The Real Housewives of Idaho and got arts and crafty!

I started with a picture frame, some fabric, ribbon, and stickers.

I glued the fabric to the cardboard backing.
I glued the ribbon around the edges.

I stuck the stickers on and put it in the frame.  Final product!  I'll wait for Andy to hang it.  The blessings are written in with dry erase marker, on top of the glass.  Every once in awhile I plan to erase and redo them.  The things I'm thankful for might change.  I'm hoping one day to add "Healthy pregnancy" and then eventually "Healthy children" to that list!
I will now leave you with the laser-eyed cat I woke up to this morning.  She was obviously starving to death and required immediate sustenance to survive!