Today I called my new OB's office in hopes of moving my appointment to a closer date. My appointment will now be on Monday, the day I expect my period to arrive (barring a surprise BFP). I thought I would feel relief at getting this ball rolling a little sooner. After all, my original appointment would have been at least halfway through my next cycle. But instead I felt sad. How did we get here? How has it been almost 12 complete cycles of trying, 7 since our loss? Not just regular cycles, but perfectly timed cycles.
My mom and dad had a hell of a time conceiving me. I was their only pregnancy in at least 14 years of trying. I was conceived after 9 years of trying and I know they continued to try to give me a sibling for many years after my birth. My mom had stage IV endometriosis and required a lot of fertility treatments to conceive me. My parents had actually given up on ever having a biological child and were pursuing domestic adoption when they found out they were pregnant with me. Growing up I never once doubted their love for me because I was told from an early age how much I was wanted. I'm thankful that my children will grow up knowing how desperately Andy and I wanted them. But I'm scared about how long it's going to take to reach that stage. A year ago, as I was going off birth control pills, I never once imagined that I wouldn't at least be significantly pregnant by this date.
What if the testing shows that something is wrong with me or Andy? How do we move on? How far do we plan to go in treatment options? How will we pay for the treatment? What if testing doesn't show anything wrong at all, what then? I have so many fears and worries going through my head right now. I'm scared to get answers, but I'm terrified not to. I know that our road has not been nearly as long or as difficult as many of my TTCAL and blog friends. But I'm nervous about our future. Deep down I really feel that Andy and I will be parents one day. But I'm not sure how or when.
I am a control freak and a huge planner, they are definitely two of my biggest faults. So I'm struggling to let go of my worries and put it all in God's hands. It's pretty obvious that I cannot control or plan our TTC journey. Writing all of this out is definitely therapeutic for me as well. I hope in a few years all of us going through problems right now can look back at the words we've written recently and smile. I have a feeling our future selves would tell our current selves that it is going to be okay. It's all going to work out. It might be in a totally different way than what we're thinking or imagining right now, but it will work out.
Thank you so much for your sweet comment, Melissa. It is amazing how long your parents worked towards you...such a crazy beautiful story. It. Is so much easier said than done to just fuhhgettaboudditt. And that's okay and I know you agree. The more trying things get, the more I learn that it isn't so much in my hands and in some sick and twisted way I guess you could say it brings comfort. There's no way God won't bless you and Andy and I hope your time comes very soon. Wishing you a great appointment with healthy results! You're in my prayers! Xoxo
ReplyDeleteMaria :)
I'm sure you know, it's completely natural to worry about the 'what ifs' of TTC. Being a control freak and a planner are not necessarily faults, they can actually be quite helpful, when kept in check (I have difficulty with that!)
ReplyDeleteI hope your doctor's appointment goes awesome and your doctor orders the testing you want! Especially with your Mom's TTC history, your early loss and having been trying for a year now, I think they will.
::HUGS:: I just went through this so I know the overwhelming emotions of anticipating this discussion with your doctor. What really helped me was I read a LOT of medical research that pertained to my situation. Then I did some research on what types of tests detect different things. THEN I typed out a list of 'discussion points' and my doctor answered ALL my questions!
Keep me updated, prayers coming your way Melissa!
Happy ICLW! I hope your appointment goes wonderfully for you, but if it doesn't, know that time is just a number and that when it is the right number, it will be your time (that sounds kind of lame, but i can't word it any better right now...sorry). I know how hard the TTC journey is, but keep your chin up and know that there are a lot of people behind you for support!
ReplyDeleteICLW #114
Your questions about testing are totally normal; I felt the same way. The what if's are enough to drive a sane person crazy! And I know each situation is totally different, but for me, doing the testing was the best decision I ever made. It gave me confirmation that my husband was fine, and I learned that I had a hormonal problem. Only 2 months on steroids and I was able to get pregnant. Unfortunately, I just lost that baby. I'm just glad to know that I CAN get pregannt and it will happen again. I hope your appointment goes well and you get the answers you are hoping for. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are going through this. I hope that your doctor can pinpoint the problem and give you a solution. God is in control. I have had a huge struggle giving all of this over to him. I look forward to following your story.
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW! I don't know if I'd call myself a control freak but definitely impatient and a worrier so I also have trouble accepting "what will be, will be"
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what the "not knowing" feels like. It is, in a way, harder than having a diagnosis. I am hoping you find answers soon.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
jo
Good luck on your appointment today. I too remember the start of our 2nd year in TTC. It doesn't get any easier, but there sure are some great women in the ALI community to help support you.
ReplyDelete(ICLW)