Bad Blogger

I haven't been very good about keeping up with my blog lately.  I start to open a new post, write a word or two, then realize it's something I've already said before.  I have found that trying to conceive after a loss creates a lot of the same feelings cycle after failed cycle.  The part that really sucks is that I know conceiving is only a very small portion of our battle to get our take home baby.

On Wednesday I had a full out ugly meltdown in front of Andy.  I absolutely hate that we have to have sex on certain days.  How in the world is that fun or sexy?  I've been trying to keep it exciting, but sometimes it's really difficult.  I'm not in the mood, he's not in the mood, but we need to do it.  I would never forgive myself if we didn't get pregnant that cycle, I would feel like it was because I didn't try hard enough.  My meltdown consisted of me sobbing "it's not fair" repeatedly.  Andy was so sweet and comforting, and he let me see a glimpse of his pain.  Because you know what?  He's in pain too, this process sucks for him too.  It was a wake up call for me.  I always think about my pain from our loss, rarely his.  How selfish is that?  I'm appreciative for the reminder that Andy and I are in this together.  Although I may be more open about my pain, it doesn't mean he's not hurting too.

Thankfully I'm now in the two week wait portion of my cycle.  Andy did tell me that he has a good feeling about this cycle.  My first thought was "at least one of us does".  Maybe it's a coping mechanism but I have very little hope for this cycle.  Sure, we had perfect timing.  But after six cycles of perfect timing, I'm not going to get super excited and hopeful.  I'm not sure I could handle the letdown again.  So I'm putting all my faith in God, as I should.  We will get pregnant and have a healthy child in his time.  So I pray that if it his time we get pregnant and I find peace with whatever the outcome.  If it's not his time I pray for patience and the strength I need to pursue testing with my OBGYN.

Andy and I started the couch to 5K program this week.  I was motivated by several of my TTCAL friends who decided to start it this week too.  I'm the type of person who enjoys being physically active, but if I'm not accountable to someone 9 times out of 10 I'll choose to stay home watching TV.  I'm a bit of a couch potato.  Thank goodness I have good genes and don't require too much activity to keep my figure relatively slim.  But since our loss I've gotten extra lazy and I think I've been afraid to really work out.  When we told my mother in law and her husband about our loss, her husband said maybe it happened because I'm too skinny.  I don't know why, but that has really lingered in my head and bothered me.  I know that's not why.  But it's still there, at the back of my mind.  But this cycle I decided to join my friends in this program.  It starts out very slow (although the first day kicked my butt!) and after nine weeks of three workouts per week you should be able to run a 5K without stopping.  

I am proud to say that Andy and I completed week one!  Today marks workout number one of week two.  I'm very excited and happy to be doing it.  I feel so much better mentally and physically.  I really enjoy running through the streets of our neighborhood with my husband.  I put on some music and am able to forget all my worries for the 30 minutes we're out there.  I've also been sleeping a little better, which is a huge plus!  The only rough thing is that in Texas it's HOT.  At 9pm, when we usually go running, it's still a little over 90 degrees most days.  But at least the sun isn't beating down on us.

I could go on and on with the other boring things going on in our life right now, but instead I will just leave you with a picture.  We took Zoe and Pixel for a walk the other evening.  When we got back Zoe ran straight to the tile floor in an attempt to cool off...