Happy Halloween! Almost

What?  A post not about babies?  That's weird!

Andy plays a computer gamed called League of Legends.  He used to play World of Warcraft and I hated it, but I don't mind LoL.  It has definite stopping points and doesn't take up ridiculous amounts of his time.  This year his video game was having a costume contest and I agreed to help him try to win.  So without further ado here are his entries!

The Inspiration

Andy's take.  I think he did a great job!

Inspiration for my costume.

Me!

I was so exhausted by the time we got around to taking the photo!  But I'm proud of all the effort Andy put into it.  I think he did a great job!

I'm not getting into Halloween the way I usually do.  I'm just too tired!  Last year I got really into decorating our front yard.  We had orange lights in the trees, a big spider and pumpkin in the yard, gravestones...None of that has made it's way out this year.  But I'm looking forward to our annual tradition of carving pumpkins tomorrow.  Every year I buy a new stencil book and try to carve something exciting.  Usually we'll watch some episodes of Buffy or maybe the Gremlins as we carve.  I'm also looking forward to passing out candy to the neighborhood kids on monday night!

Happy Halloween everyone!

We have heartbeats!

I have two absolutely beautiful hearts beating within me, in addition to my own! That is just incredibly humbling and awe inspiring. Seeing the two flickers on the screen yesterday is one of the ultimate highlights of my life to date. I am so in love! Next up is another appointment on the 2nd.

I'm sorry I have been a bad blogger and bad commenter. I feel exhausted 24/7 and find it difficult to do much more than mindlessly watch tv when I get home from work, after taking a nap. But I'm loving every minute of this exhaustion!

First Ultrasound (x2!)

I was honestly terrified for today.  I tend to do a good job at staying positive and hopeful 97% of the time, until I'm tired and heading to bed.  Andy has witnessed numerous tears sessions beginning while I'm laying in bed, before we pray.  There is something about that time where doubt and worry overtakes me.  I've been so scared to have another loss.  But today ended up alleviating a lot of that worry!  I know it's still possible but I'm choosing to focus on the good.

Our appointment was at 3:45pm but of course he was running more than an hour behind.  When we were let into the room at a little past 5pm I was so ready to hear the bad news and be done with it.  But then he said, "there is baby A...and there is baby B"!  I instantly started to cry happy tears.  I am so amazed that God has chosen to bless us with not one but TWO healthy babies!  We're still incredibly early but our RE was very optimistic and his attitude was contagious.

The RE was using technical terms like "gestational sac" and "fetal pole", which I'm well versed in but Andy isn't.  After about three minutes Andy leaned forward in his chair and said, "So...there are two of them?".  I started cracking up!  All my fears just released right then and there.  I was laughing so hard and the RE was trying to take a good picture of our kiddos but I couldn't stop!

Squee!!!  Look at our little munchkins!  Okay okay, I know they don't look like much yet.  Andy says he thinks the two of them along with the rest of my uterus kind of looks like an owl's face?  Whatever, I think they're the two most adorable blobs in the world.  They were measuring right on track!  No heartbeats yet, but we weren't expecting any since I'm only 5w5d.  We go back on wednesday to see them again and hopefully see the heartbeats!

Tonight I am beyond excited and happy.  I'm even content.  I said in a previous post that I have really felt led on this journey; the way a spot opened up with my new OB, the way she was thorough in testing, how the RE had an opening right away, my surgery, even the timing of our Vegas trip!  It has all lead us to this point and hopefully to our take home babies in June (or May, since it's TWINS!).

1,253

That's our second beta number! 1,253!

Yesterday morning I got up early for my drive across town. When I got there another woman went in ahead of me and it seemed to take awhile. When she left both her arms were bandaged. I was called back and the nurse told me she had blown the veins in both of that woman's arms. Not exactly a confidence booster!

**Don't read if you're squeamish**
She stuck my right arm and the blood wasn't flowing properly. She said either I must be a slow bleeder or there must be something wrong with the needle/tube. I'm actually a really fast bleeder, which was proven a few seconds later when the needle popped out and my arm resembled a fountain. I had the turnicate on and was making a fist. The nurse desperately tried to cover the geyser. Once I stopped gushing there was puddles of blood all over the desk, the chair, the floor, and myself. It got on my dress and white cardigan.
**Warning over, it is safe to read**

The poor nurse was really upset and said it had to be the equipment. Turns out she had just used the first three needle/tubes from a new batch. So she grabbed a new box, we both took deep breaths, and in 30 seconds it was over and she had the sample from my left arm! I had to call my boss and say I was going to be a little later than planned, since it looked like I was wearing a Halloween costume.

I waited all day for the results. On Monday my RE called a little after 11am. When it was 1:30pm and I hadn't heard anything I started to freak out and imagine all the worst case scenarios. At 3 I finally called up to ask. The nurse who had drawn my blood said that the RE hadn't reviewed the numbers yet and they weren't supposed to release them until he did. But she took pity on me and told me it was over 1,200 and my progesterone was over 20! I cried tears of relief and said a prayer to God thanking him for this blessing. They called me with the official number around 6pm, I'm so glad the nurse took pity on me! I would have been a wreck waiting that long. So like everything else, I feel that things are happening according to God's plan. If I hadn't had issues with my blood draw I would have had to wait longer to know the number doubled!

Next up is an ultrasound next Thursday!

My New Favorite Number

514!

My first beta at 15DPO was 514 today!  I am in awe of that number.  I know the doubling time is what matters most, but I'm loving that 514 is our starting point.  I go back in on Wednesday morning to see how it's doubling.  If all goes well I will be having my first ultrasound next Thursday on the 20th!

Please Let This Be Ours!

I have thought about this post ever since I started this blog.  I've been thinking even more about it for the last 24 hours.

We are pregnant!

Having had an early loss I am feeling excited, scared, nervous, happy...everything all wrapped up with one conflicting little bow!  We are desperately praying that this is our take home baby (or babies).  Desperately.

I was going to hold out until today to test because I'm going to a bachelorette party tonight and wanted to know before hand (at 12DPO).  But when I woke up yesterday morning I just knew.  It was going to be negative and I didn't want to wait until a happy day to see it.  So I used a FRER.  I was honestly amazed to see a second line!  So I took a digital and a wondfo (I saved my pee, of course because I'm crazy like that). "Pregnant" and positive!  I ran into our bedroom waving the FRER and told my sleeping husband to get up to look at the second line because we're pregnant.  I don't think he's ever woken up more quickly!

We laughed, we smiled, we cried, we prayed.  I called into work to say I was going to be late, there was absolutely no way I could have headed straight in with all the emotions I was feeling.  Andy took me to a donut shop for breakfast, we ate yummy glazed donuts fresh from the oven and kolaches.  I made it into work an hour and a half late but I didn't do a single bit of work.  I mainly sat at my desk and prayed.

I took another test this morning and it's even more positive than the one yesterday.  I know you can't go by the darkness of the line but it totally made me feel better.  I tested out the trigger shot but there was still a part of me that was terrified this was too good to be true.  I go in for my first beta on monday morning.

I'm holding onto the hope and the faith right now that this little one is going to be ours to take home in June.

My Thoughts on Twilight

****Spoilers below if you haven't read the books or seen the movies****

Am I the only one who gets pissed off by the Twilight series?  I'm specifically talking about Breaking Dawn, but really the whole series annoys me.  I am an avid reader and TV watcher.  My favorite TV series of all times is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Sarah Michelle Gellar, with the help of Joss Whedon, made vampires and vampire slayers cool way before Stephanie Meyer came around.  Way before True Blood, even!  Sunlight should kill a vampire.  They shouldn't just sparkle magically when in direct sun!  At least in Vampire Diaries they have nifty rings that magically allow them to be in the sun.  But sparkle?  Really?

Let's not even get too into the fact that Bella should have totally chosen Jacob.  He's hot.  He's a werewolf.  He's sweet.  He's hot.  Instead she chooses skinny, pale, sparkly Edward who wants to eat her just as badly as he wants to hook up with her.  Yeah, that's a real smart choice.

The trailer for Breaking Dawn has begun showing on TV and in movie theaters.  It shows Bella and Edward happily getting married, having destructive honeymoon nookie, and then Bella's whacked out pregnancy.  There are just so many things insanely wrong with that storyline!  How the eff does a vampire get someone pregnant in the first place?  Vampires are not alive!

I know it's seriously just the stress of dealing with IF, especially the fact that I'm on day eight of Prometrium, but it really irritates the crap out of me!  A stupid sparkly vampire can get an 18 year old whiny brat knocked up, but I'm so broken that my perfectly healthy LIVING husband can't get me pregnant.

*************Spoilers over!*****************

Alright, deep breath!  I told you Prometrium is turning me into an angry person!  It doesn't help that I have the most MF I have ever had in my life.  I'm tired, I'm bloated, my face is breaking out like crazy, my boobs are ridiculously sore, I'm nauseous...  I know it's the Prometrium.  I know it is.  But a girl can't help but hope!  That is the title of my blog, after all.  I forget that sometimes.  I created this blog initially in the hopes of getting pregnant and getting our healthy take home baby.  I need to remember that hope is not a bad thing, it's something to embrace and cherish.  This ideas is totally opposite of what I initially started to write, but I think I like it better.  So there!