Dealing With It

At first I felt great relief that we were finally getting answers and finally getting help. I even wrote a post a few days ago about embracing this path and learning to help others through it. I thought I was handling things really well, until all the emotions came crashing down yesterday.

Why us? Why were we the ones to lose our baby? Why are we the ones to have to deal with infertility? I know so many of you have wondered the same about yourselves. What makes us be the ones to be dealt two horrible hands, when all we want is a precious baby? I know that this is Gods plan for us, but some days it is easier to bear than others.

Yesterday I started off the day a little extra sad because we closed on my grandpa's house, it now belongs to another family. It just was a harsh reminder that my grandpa is gone, I won't see him again until I get to Heaven. I think it's been somewhat easy to "forget" that and pretend he's still in Oregon, gardening and visiting his neighbors. But I know it's not true. But it makes me so sad every time I admit to the reality of it.

Then yesterday at break time I was walking with a dear friend when an acquaintance stopped us to tell us his fabulous news. His wife is pregnant again, about fifteen weeks along. I know I must have had a deer in headlights look when he first started talking, but I think I recovered quickly. I plastered a smile on my face and offered congratulations. After all, a baby is a very exciting thing! I can be happy when others get what they dream of. Until he uttered words that turned him into a fertile ho, "it took us SO long! We started trying in February!".

Wait a second, hold up. Your wife is nearly four months pregnant in mid August and you began trying in February? Jerk. I commented that a few months really isn't long to try and he just looked at me incredulously and said I obviously have never tried to conceive before. I made up an excuse that my cell phone was ringing with an important call and got away quickly. I practically ran to the handicap restroom and locked myself in before the waterworks began. Ugh, why did I let that bother me so much? I should have used it as a teaching moment to let him know that not everyone conceives so easily with healthy pregnancies. I'm sure I'm not the only one he'll hurt talking that way. If I had stepped up and talked to him maybe I could have prevented someone else experiencing that. Maybe I still will.

It's just such a fine line to walk. Both miscarriage and infertility are taboo subjects, even though they shouldn't be. I hate bringing people down by talking about it, but how else are the subjects going to become less taboo? No matter what, I need to improve my poker face when being confronted with this type of situation. I can't continue to hide and cry every time I'm blindsided. I'm a strong woman, it's time I started acting like it.