First Ultrasound (x2!)

I was honestly terrified for today.  I tend to do a good job at staying positive and hopeful 97% of the time, until I'm tired and heading to bed.  Andy has witnessed numerous tears sessions beginning while I'm laying in bed, before we pray.  There is something about that time where doubt and worry overtakes me.  I've been so scared to have another loss.  But today ended up alleviating a lot of that worry!  I know it's still possible but I'm choosing to focus on the good.

Our appointment was at 3:45pm but of course he was running more than an hour behind.  When we were let into the room at a little past 5pm I was so ready to hear the bad news and be done with it.  But then he said, "there is baby A...and there is baby B"!  I instantly started to cry happy tears.  I am so amazed that God has chosen to bless us with not one but TWO healthy babies!  We're still incredibly early but our RE was very optimistic and his attitude was contagious.

The RE was using technical terms like "gestational sac" and "fetal pole", which I'm well versed in but Andy isn't.  After about three minutes Andy leaned forward in his chair and said, "So...there are two of them?".  I started cracking up!  All my fears just released right then and there.  I was laughing so hard and the RE was trying to take a good picture of our kiddos but I couldn't stop!

Squee!!!  Look at our little munchkins!  Okay okay, I know they don't look like much yet.  Andy says he thinks the two of them along with the rest of my uterus kind of looks like an owl's face?  Whatever, I think they're the two most adorable blobs in the world.  They were measuring right on track!  No heartbeats yet, but we weren't expecting any since I'm only 5w5d.  We go back on wednesday to see them again and hopefully see the heartbeats!

Tonight I am beyond excited and happy.  I'm even content.  I said in a previous post that I have really felt led on this journey; the way a spot opened up with my new OB, the way she was thorough in testing, how the RE had an opening right away, my surgery, even the timing of our Vegas trip!  It has all lead us to this point and hopefully to our take home babies in June (or May, since it's TWINS!).

1,253

That's our second beta number! 1,253!

Yesterday morning I got up early for my drive across town. When I got there another woman went in ahead of me and it seemed to take awhile. When she left both her arms were bandaged. I was called back and the nurse told me she had blown the veins in both of that woman's arms. Not exactly a confidence booster!

**Don't read if you're squeamish**
She stuck my right arm and the blood wasn't flowing properly. She said either I must be a slow bleeder or there must be something wrong with the needle/tube. I'm actually a really fast bleeder, which was proven a few seconds later when the needle popped out and my arm resembled a fountain. I had the turnicate on and was making a fist. The nurse desperately tried to cover the geyser. Once I stopped gushing there was puddles of blood all over the desk, the chair, the floor, and myself. It got on my dress and white cardigan.
**Warning over, it is safe to read**

The poor nurse was really upset and said it had to be the equipment. Turns out she had just used the first three needle/tubes from a new batch. So she grabbed a new box, we both took deep breaths, and in 30 seconds it was over and she had the sample from my left arm! I had to call my boss and say I was going to be a little later than planned, since it looked like I was wearing a Halloween costume.

I waited all day for the results. On Monday my RE called a little after 11am. When it was 1:30pm and I hadn't heard anything I started to freak out and imagine all the worst case scenarios. At 3 I finally called up to ask. The nurse who had drawn my blood said that the RE hadn't reviewed the numbers yet and they weren't supposed to release them until he did. But she took pity on me and told me it was over 1,200 and my progesterone was over 20! I cried tears of relief and said a prayer to God thanking him for this blessing. They called me with the official number around 6pm, I'm so glad the nurse took pity on me! I would have been a wreck waiting that long. So like everything else, I feel that things are happening according to God's plan. If I hadn't had issues with my blood draw I would have had to wait longer to know the number doubled!

Next up is an ultrasound next Thursday!

My New Favorite Number

514!

My first beta at 15DPO was 514 today!  I am in awe of that number.  I know the doubling time is what matters most, but I'm loving that 514 is our starting point.  I go back in on Wednesday morning to see how it's doubling.  If all goes well I will be having my first ultrasound next Thursday on the 20th!

Please Let This Be Ours!

I have thought about this post ever since I started this blog.  I've been thinking even more about it for the last 24 hours.

We are pregnant!

Having had an early loss I am feeling excited, scared, nervous, happy...everything all wrapped up with one conflicting little bow!  We are desperately praying that this is our take home baby (or babies).  Desperately.

I was going to hold out until today to test because I'm going to a bachelorette party tonight and wanted to know before hand (at 12DPO).  But when I woke up yesterday morning I just knew.  It was going to be negative and I didn't want to wait until a happy day to see it.  So I used a FRER.  I was honestly amazed to see a second line!  So I took a digital and a wondfo (I saved my pee, of course because I'm crazy like that). "Pregnant" and positive!  I ran into our bedroom waving the FRER and told my sleeping husband to get up to look at the second line because we're pregnant.  I don't think he's ever woken up more quickly!

We laughed, we smiled, we cried, we prayed.  I called into work to say I was going to be late, there was absolutely no way I could have headed straight in with all the emotions I was feeling.  Andy took me to a donut shop for breakfast, we ate yummy glazed donuts fresh from the oven and kolaches.  I made it into work an hour and a half late but I didn't do a single bit of work.  I mainly sat at my desk and prayed.

I took another test this morning and it's even more positive than the one yesterday.  I know you can't go by the darkness of the line but it totally made me feel better.  I tested out the trigger shot but there was still a part of me that was terrified this was too good to be true.  I go in for my first beta on monday morning.

I'm holding onto the hope and the faith right now that this little one is going to be ours to take home in June.

My Thoughts on Twilight

****Spoilers below if you haven't read the books or seen the movies****

Am I the only one who gets pissed off by the Twilight series?  I'm specifically talking about Breaking Dawn, but really the whole series annoys me.  I am an avid reader and TV watcher.  My favorite TV series of all times is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Sarah Michelle Gellar, with the help of Joss Whedon, made vampires and vampire slayers cool way before Stephanie Meyer came around.  Way before True Blood, even!  Sunlight should kill a vampire.  They shouldn't just sparkle magically when in direct sun!  At least in Vampire Diaries they have nifty rings that magically allow them to be in the sun.  But sparkle?  Really?

Let's not even get too into the fact that Bella should have totally chosen Jacob.  He's hot.  He's a werewolf.  He's sweet.  He's hot.  Instead she chooses skinny, pale, sparkly Edward who wants to eat her just as badly as he wants to hook up with her.  Yeah, that's a real smart choice.

The trailer for Breaking Dawn has begun showing on TV and in movie theaters.  It shows Bella and Edward happily getting married, having destructive honeymoon nookie, and then Bella's whacked out pregnancy.  There are just so many things insanely wrong with that storyline!  How the eff does a vampire get someone pregnant in the first place?  Vampires are not alive!

I know it's seriously just the stress of dealing with IF, especially the fact that I'm on day eight of Prometrium, but it really irritates the crap out of me!  A stupid sparkly vampire can get an 18 year old whiny brat knocked up, but I'm so broken that my perfectly healthy LIVING husband can't get me pregnant.

*************Spoilers over!*****************

Alright, deep breath!  I told you Prometrium is turning me into an angry person!  It doesn't help that I have the most MF I have ever had in my life.  I'm tired, I'm bloated, my face is breaking out like crazy, my boobs are ridiculously sore, I'm nauseous...  I know it's the Prometrium.  I know it is.  But a girl can't help but hope!  That is the title of my blog, after all.  I forget that sometimes.  I created this blog initially in the hopes of getting pregnant and getting our healthy take home baby.  I need to remember that hope is not a bad thing, it's something to embrace and cherish.  This ideas is totally opposite of what I initially started to write, but I think I like it better.  So there!

Caution Should Be Used

"Caution should be used when driving or operating machinery."

I am on day five of Prometrium suppositories.  I had really minimal side effects from Femara, Gonal-F, and the trigger shot.  But as of last night Prometrium is officially kicking my butt!  That warning should really read, "This drug will turn you into an irrationally angry person.  Use extreme caution when operating deadly machinery as side effects will not last long enough for you to be deemed unfit to stand trial."

This was me in my car today.  Except I wasn't smiling.  I was stuck in traffic and instead of just singing along to the radio like I usually would, I got mad.  Really really mad.  Andy has always talked about how he wishes he had telekinesis.  So I started imagining what I would be like if I did, if I was like Magneto from the X-Men.  I imagined flinging the cars aside with my super powers and them exploding in giant fireballs.  The idea of fireballs was somehow extra satisfying and soothing.  It also helped pass the time!  Of course I would never actually want to harm my fellow commuters...but they really made me upset just by being in my way!




I've noticed several other instances of being upset over stupid things that wouldn't usually bother me.  But every time I realize I'm being irrational I try to take a deep breath and remember that it's just the medicine and my hormones.  These side effects are a good thing since it means they're doing their job!  If this is what it takes to get our baby I will gladly do it.

What happens in Vegas...

...we're hoping and praying doesn't stay in Vegas!  I'm going to do a short TTC update before continuing to the more fun stuff about our Vegas trip and 4th wedding anniversary.

We had another RE appointment on Wednesday and the ultrasound showed that I had a great follicle on either side and a good one on the right.  So potentially three to ovulate, but two at the minimum!  I like the sound of that.  I had two more Gonal-F shots on Wednesday and Thursday night, then I triggered on Friday night!  It's amazing how just two weeks ago I was scared at the idea of shots, now I've done nine and they're no big deal.  I don't love them but they're not horrible.  I do have one big bruise on my abdomen, for some reason out of the nine shots one bruised.  I guess that's not bad, right?

Now on to the fun stuff!

The 22nd was our 4th anniversary.  I am more in love with Andy today than I was the day I married him which is so hard to believe.  We've experienced so many ups and downs, but we've weathered it all together.  He is my rock.  As he was sweet enough to tell me earlier, "This is only the beginning.  4 years.  If our life was a book, we would still be on chapter 1."  That's so true.  Four years is nothing compared to the amount of time we will spend together.  I am so looking forward to seeing what year 5 brings us!

So on our anniversary we flew to Las Vegas!  We had an amazing time.  Our feet and bodies are sore from so much walking, and by the end of our trip we were more than ready to come home.  But it's going to be a trip we talk about for the rest of our life!

We stayed at the Luxor

It was a nice hotel.  We were really happy that we were at one end of the strip, further away from the crazy party areas.  The downstairs was really nice but the rooms and hallways are in need of an upgrade since they're a little run down.  But for the amount of time we were in our room it was perfect!

When we got to our room we got a phone call from room service that they had a gift to bring us.  My mother-in-law and her husband bought us chocolate covered strawberries.  They were delicious!

Of course we had to go to the casino pretty quickly.  We allotted ourselves $50 each per day that we were there to gamble.  My dad had jokingly suggested to Andy that he place all of his first days bet on one blackjack hand.  Andy is crazy, so he did.  He turned that $50 into $200 in less than 5 minutes!

So here is where things get a little crazy...Over 15 years ago I was a dork and really into Star Wars.  Yes, I embrace my nerdhood with open arms!  I was searching around on the internet and found a chat room.  In the chatroom I "met" a boy, just a little older than me.  We started chatting and continued for a number of years.  We've kept in contact through Facebook in recent years.  The day before Andy and I left for Vegas this friend posted that him and his wife were going to be in Vegas soon.  Turns out they were going to be there at the same time we were!  Keep in mind, I've "known" him for over 15 years but we've never met IRL.  Well, now we have!  We met up with them on thursday night to wander the strip and get a drink.  Then yesterday they treated us to a brunch buffet.  It was great meeting them!  I can tell that we would all be good friends if we lived in the same area.  I loved his wife!  It was so weird and random that we ended up all there at the same time.  

Playing the gigantic slot machine at New York New York

Andy rode the roller coaster at New York New York while I shopped.  I am not a rides person!  Andy said this was his favorite ride of the trip.

1. Andy puts the $1 into the giant slot machine
2.  Andy pulls the lever
3. Umm, they're all lined up...What does that mean?
4. Hey, I won! 

This photo needs to be large to see the funny progression!  I love #3 where he's just staring at it.

We had frozen hot chocolate at Serendepity 3 by Caesar's Palace, it was delicious!

And watched the fountain show at the Bellagio.

We went to the Stratosphere...

and Andy rode all three of the crazy death defying rides.  I watched.

On Friday night we went to Fremont street.

It was a pain in the butt to get to, but totally worth it!  The light show was incredible.

One of our last stops on Saturday before the flight home was M&Ms world.  My initials, before getting married, were MMS so growing up my grandpa and grandma always bought me M&Ms related things.  It was special to get to go into a place like this and imagine how they would have bought out the store for me!

It was an amazing time!  I'm so glad that Andy and I decided to take a trip for our anniversary.  I feel happy and refreshed, despite being tired and sore.  Now we're working on year number 5 and hoping and praying that what happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas!